I’m on my way to work, taking public transportation like the man of the people I am, when a fairly attractive woman enters the same subway car and stands right next to me. Not a bad way to start the morning, right? Until this happens:
For the record, the sound wasn’t even the worst part. Lesson here is: when it comes to attraction, smell is a powerful sense. Some may argue, but I personally put it up there with sight. For the nonbelievers, think back to how many times you’ve been stopped in your tracks because you smelled the perfume/cologne of a past lover years after…and perhaps far, far away from the last time you encountered them in person? Truth is, once someone is associated with a certain scent in your mind, there’s no separation. Um, you remember when Jake let his ponytail hook up with the pterodactyl looking thing in Avatar? Yeah, scent is basically just the same thing. Whether positive or negative, that fragrance you give off is never wearing off in their mind and subconscious.
So in 2011, why on God’s green earth are there still women slithering through society wearing Gap Dream body spray???
You can be honest here my friends, many of you have encountered this tragedy as well. Just the other day I was out on the town when my nostrils caught that familiar whiff of Gap Dream‘s Deferred from a female about my same age. Without a single word exchanged between the two of us, I knew right then and there that this was a girl whose aura was in disarray. A girl who did not give an airborne iota of shit about life goals or what car she was going to drunkely pee behind later on that evening. She would probably steal the change from under your couch cushion and likely covers her body in glitter before she exits her home for a night out. Rather than build up enough courage to illuminate the path that her dilemma was leading her down, I simply said a Hail Mary to myself and went about my business.
Now let’s be clear here. 10-12 years ago, Gap Dream was definitely the silver cloud that some of you surfed on when your fragrance game was in early development. There’s nothing wrong with that! There was nothing more prosperous than leaning over in algebra to borrow that No. 2 pencil from the girl who sat next to you and breathing in the sweet, chemical aroma of Gap Dream body spray and bubble gum flavored lip gloss. But I ask, why today? Why now? Why bear a scent that conjures of memories of Middle School dances and letting perverted boys like me get to 2nd base in 9th grade? Do we not have a black president and iPad 2′s? Nah yo, we’ve come too far for any tax paying citizen to innocently get caught in some fragrant fallout of Gap Dream in the wild on a peaceful day. I ask, what did we do wrong as a society to lead you astray?
The problem isn’t limited to deluded women in their mid 20′s though. Just this past weekend, I saw some of our founding mothers knee deep in pain & struggle in the Gap Dream fragrance section. Of course, I was crafty enough to capture photo documentation
And again, like the coward I am, I sat there and watched them douse themselves in the aromatic sins of their granddaughters and didn’t say a damn thing.
I…no…WE…as a yuppie dilemma community and family want to help you. Please, as tempting as it may seem, next time you fall into the Gap don’t visit the fragrance section. Check out the new yoga clothes section or something, I hear that’s cool. Just stay away from the body spray. We really do care about you and want to help you be delivered from as much evil as we can. You have a choice (Remember, there’s always Cool Water for women and anything Liz Claiborne puts out). But when it comes to Gap Dream, just. Say. No.
-MillsyF.
