For most yuppies, it’s a topic rarely discussed comfortably outside of the walls of their own apartment. For others, it’s a ritual so sacred even their roommate can’t know the entire truth of what goes on behind those polyester and vinyl curtains of mystery.
We’re talking about bathroom routines; most their truths but all of their deceptions.
Some of you are asking yourselves, “What’s so important about what I do when I’m in the bathroom.” The short answer: everything. But we don’t
maintain write this publication to give you the short answer, now do we? The average American spends over a year and a half of their life in the bathroom and even more time and effort concealing what goes on in there. You will be shocked when we tell you why. The Yuppie Dilemma takes you inside the dark world of daily bathroom routines, what they can tell you about a person, and how to protect yourself from falling into a routine that will ensure that you never find true love or get a promotion at work. Here we will break down some of the most common behaviors seen in the water closet with detailed insight on the psyche behind these actions.
I hope you have your microwaves set to defrost, because we’re back with the next installment and the official first chapter in the highly anticipated tyd.com guide on how to melt an Ice Queen. Now, if this is your first time reading, stop right now , go back and study the prelude. I won’t be responsible for any casualties that occur from young men taking on this challenge untrained. It’s a quick read, and it might save your life, trust me.
Some of you are probably wondering why I decided to call this chapter the pledge. Well, I believe that magic is probably the best analogy to describe what you’re going to learn.
Every great magic trick consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called “The Pledge”. The magician shows you something ordinary: a deck of cards, a bird or a man. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed real, unaltered, normal. But of course… it probably isn’t.
What I’m going to teach you is nothing short of wizardry, and like a magician one botched step could cost you not only the trick, but your reputation…maybe even your career. Contrary to popular belief, an Ice Queen’s most dangerous weapons aren’t her ice daggers™, but her power to completely ignore you as if your parents never conceived you. Your biggest hurdle will be capturing her attention…while dodging a shit load of ice daggers™ she’ll surely be flinging in your general direction. We’re going to show you how to do just that.
So you’re at a bar with some of your homies, enjoying a lovely Friday evening. There’s live music, even though the cover band was old enough to have originally recorded most of the throwbacks they were playing. People are dancing. Everyone has a drink in their hand. One of your boys motions for you to come to the bar to take a shot and you’re all like, “sheeeeiiiitttttt why not?? Life is good, we’re prospering out here!” But it’s all fun and games, until THIS gets placed in front of you.
Yes, this is ONE shot. One. As in, a serving for a singular person. Like, why even call this a shot? Let’s imagine if a Martian was going to study abroad
on Earth in the States, and did his Wikipedia homework on what a “shot” was before he hit the bars to, you know, blend in with the rest of the college co-eds. Does anyone think he would know that all of that was meant to be tossed back in less than 5 seconds? I mean, after looking at that picture, did any of you??
It raised a few immediate questions, most of which probably deserved sincere answers:
- If ordering a drink makes even a bartender…someone who serves alcoholic drinks for a living…shake her head in shame, should I in fact be drinking it?
- If I ask the others partaking in this drink “what are we drinking again?” and everyone looks puzzled, should I in fact be drinking it?
- If said drink takes FOUR vessels just to serve it to the patron (me), should I in fact be drinking it?
The answer to these questions for a some of you is, “probably not,” or perhaps a simple “hell no.” For some others, though, the answer was already decided before the drink was even ordered. You see, Macho Man Randy Savage didn’t die for us to turn down a drink someone generously offers you, even if they are shots of pure struggle. In fact, after I drank this, my only dilemma was remembering how to get home by foot and whether or not I was going to ambitiously make shrimp scampi from scratch at my apartment at 2 in the morning.
Let’s just say I was 1 for 1.
If you know me at all, or follow me on Twitter, you probably know that I rarely have nice things to say about BlackBerries. Alright, so I slander them relentlessly all the time, but I figured I’d try to make amends with some of you readers still clutching your BlackBerries for dear life while everyone around you goes out and gets real phones.
The good ole’ people at RIM have launched a limited time promotion allowing you to trade in your old CrapBerry for a shiny new, less crappy one. How kind of them, right? Some of you who got sick of your trackball breaking every 3 days probably sent some letters over to those folks north of the border, asking them to throw you a bone and they finally did!
I mean, I’m sure it has nothing to do with the graph below but…
But w/e keeps the love affair with
the Nextel Chirp 2.0 BBM going I guess.