Airport security lines are funny places. You wanna know why? Because every average person has to go through them. You see a lot of interesting sights, except you never really picture celebrities going through TSA, do you? Maybe it’s just me. In my warped reality, if you are a person of even the slightest bit of importance, then whenever you travel in your private G6 it’ll gracefully land in some airport I’ve never heard of and you’ll mosey your way through a security line where you’re greeted with open arms and gifts, maybe even offer to let you frisk them for a change…right?
My friends, unless you’re Jay-Z (and please correct me if you’ve seen him at the airport getting full body scanned), then you go through like everybody else. And who travels more than celebrities? So, it’s completely feasible that one might run into Dave 1 from Chromeo while they’re taking their shoes off before slithering through that metal detector. If that was someone you’d always want to meet, would you know what to say? Well, do not fear because we’re going to tell you exactly how to ruin this opportunity. Get your ID’s and boarding passes ready, here is The Yuppie Dilemma Guide to Blowing the Moment You Meet Your Favorite Celebrity in the Airport.
- Don’t Trust Your Gut or Previous Knowledge. I don’t mean to sound like one of those “I’ve been down with this band before they were cool” but if you remember the first time you saw Needy Girl on MTV2 then you know what I’m talmbout. If you watched it 100 times, you most definitely understand. Now Imagine that you’ve seen every music video Chromeo has ever released since, purchased every album they’ve ever made, gone to every show they’ve ever played in Boston, and downloaded every Remix they’ve ever produced. Point is, you have a pretty good idea of what the duo looks like. I mean, the first show you attended, you were in the goddamn front row! So when Dave 1 (seen right) is standing directly behind you in the security line, don’t turn around and say wuttup. Instead, make sure you question everything you think you know. Wait, is that really Dave? Nah, it can’t be. Then, look for new evidence. For example, creepily peer over your shoulder for two minutes trying to look at his boarding pass to make sure it said Dave Macklovitch. Then, Google image search “dave from chromeo” and try to hold the results up to see if the faces match, all while you’re on the security line at the airport. If that fails, then
- Ask An Awkward, Yet Indirect Question for Verification. So you blew the couple of minutes you had on line to shoot the breeze with the person. It’s all good! Wait until it’s his turn to go through security and try to slither in that silly ass question most celebrities probably hate: YO! Has anyone ever told you that you look JUST like Dave 1 from Chromeo?? While they won’t say this, they will likely think “Come on b, you know it’s me…I saw you creeping at my boarding pass 2 minutes ago, gimme a break!” But if they are cool, they’ll affirm you with something like “Yes I have…that’s probably because I AM Dave 1 from Chromeo…” At this point, you can’t 100% botch the moment, but you can definitely make it worse by
- Repeating yourself multiple times. Don’t bother asking the questions you’ve always wanted to know like, “Yo Dave, what’s your favorite song you guys play in a set,” or “How do you feel about Dipset getting back together.” Nope. Simply put, just keep saying “WOW!” over and over again. Say it until people around you get uncomfortable. After you’ve said it 10 times, say it 10 more times. If that gets boring, just start to say “SWAG!” Trust me, it’ll give the person you’ve approached zero reason to continue the conversation. Luckily, I was crafty enough to ask to shake his hand, tell him I knew all his songs and went to all his shows, and advise him to keep making good music. But if at some point you get the urge to capture the moment, always remember to
- Forget To Ask Someone To Take The Picture FOR You So You Can Be In It.
Follow these tips, and you’ll definitely live with regrets, guaranteed. Peace, love and keep the funk alive