Every group of girls has had one in the bunch at some point in their social lives. Hell, it might’ve even been you. Every guy has encountered one. Most of them don’t even make eye contact, for fear that they will turn to stone or have their egos thrown into a Magic Bullet food processor. Kanye even made Heartless about one. Yeah, I’m talking about…
Ice Queens. Word, I even had to make the font blue so you would get those chills and goosebumps when you read that tho…but yeah, um…Ice Queens are some of the most feared females in all of the land. Usually extremely attractive and camouflaged amongst a group of fun-loving and generally approachable female companions, Ice Queens are everything but fun-loving and approachable. Ice Queens make illustrious careers out of leaving unprepared men tattered and scarred after an uncalibrated advance. By throwing what we here at tyd.com call ice daggers, in just as little as four words, they’ve been known to send guys back to their origins with their tails between their legs.
No one really knows how they became this way. The Ice Queen can be traced back wildddd far tho. Some say Eve was the first Ice Queen, scorned after Adam decided not to speak to her after she ate the apple first and got them 86′d from the garden. Others say the first Ice Queen appeared upon the invention of the appletini and was used as a basic survival mechanism against the struggish male clientele who frequented the bars during that period. No one really knows, but as the Ice Queen has become more of a staple in society, the faint weeping of their victims can usually be heard on Friday and Saturday evenings as you commute home.
Yet shrouded in that cloak of rapid fire insults, defense mechanisms, and stone cold glares can be a girl worth bringing home to Mom and Dad. Well, the good people here at the dilemma are here to let you know that contrary to popular belief, Ice Queens are NOT invincible! Yes, my friends, Ice Queens can in fact be melted…that is, if you know the proper approach.
Now, fair warning to my comrades reading this right now. Not everyone is about that melting the Ice Queen life. Some of you just aren’t built for it, plain and simple. Ice Queens don’t set their phasers to stun, they set them to kill. If your heart pumps tender fluids like warm apple cider or Capri Sun instead of ice cold rye bourbon, you won’t make it past this prelude alive. Much less the first chapter
See, there are three rules you’re going to have to abide by if this guide is going to work for you. Stick to them, and you will have her defrosting by the time you execute phase one. Deviate, and you’ll be just another meal for the man-eater. Rule #1: Stay cool. The key to sauteing an Ice Queen is keeping a calm, level head no matter what’s happening. If she is truly the Frozen Water Royalty, she probably has slander in her arsenal that can make the average dude crumble to the ground faster than a game of drunk Jenga. Be prepared, and stay cool. Rule #2: Patience. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and Ice Queens aren’t thawed out overnight. This is a process fellas. The Rebel Alliance didn’t just send Billy Dee Williams & Chewbacca into the middle of the Death Star to blow it up right away, right? Hell nah, they had to put in that hard work on the ground to get those shields down first, before the real assault could go down. Let that marinate in your mind a little bit. This is not a feat the rewards running before you can walk. Last but not least, Rule #3: Persistence. And that stems from believing in yourself, knowing that you have a strong enough aura to pull this off with a finely ground seasoning of flair. Keep in mind, this guide has three parts. Leonardo DiCaprio didn’t go three levels to successfully pull off Inception for ya’ll to give up after chapter I.
I know some of my loyal female readers have already cracked their knuckles in a preemptive rage to refute the three chapters I have not yet published. I kindly ask you to hold your fire and refrain from filling my G-chat with slander until we at least get into the bread and butter of the gems we’re about to share with the interwebs. I’ll also have you know that Millsy is a seasoned veteran in the art of bringing Ice Queens down to room temperature, but there may be an opportunity for any self proclaimed Ice Queens to offer rebuttals when the smoke clears.
But anyway, now that you’ve learned the basics, stay tuned for chapter 1 in the tyd.com guide on how to melt an Ice Queen in the next few days….