Since when do so many normal, middle-wage earning Americans believe they have “haters?” More importantly, what do we have to do to get them to stop claiming such foolishness all over everyone’s social network feeds? Did a bunch of people with a laundry list of mostly unknown achievements instantly become so important that the entire WORLD viciously turned on them? If this were actually the case, then we would applaud them for their confidence in the face of adversity. However…
We here at the yuppie dilemma decided that we could no longer stand around and allow this trend to continue without some constructive commentary. Contrary to unpopular belief, haters DO exist. It’s just that YOU just don’t happen have any, that’s all. This is not to say that most members of society like or support you. That’s probably not true either. They are simply just indifferent towards you. The truth is, you probably haven’t accomplished anything notable enough to warrant anyone praying for your downfall.
eh-eh-eh-EH! Hold on. Just relax, because I can hear you sucking your teeth, shaking your head, and mumbling, “hater,” under your breath in your best hoodrat voice already. You may find yourself feeling differently by the end of this. You may even find you feeling more loved than ever! Little do you know, while you’re worrying about who doesn’t want you to do well on your law exam or who is jealous you got that $1.75 raise before them, there are people out there who are actually hated by…you guessed it…haters.
Note: if reading this list and any of its descriptions elicits emotions of anger and disgust, frowns, and/or burning sensations in the chest region, you may in fact be a hater yourself.
5: Justin Bieber
Some of you are probably saying to yourselves, “wait, Justin Bieber?? People LOVE Justin Bieber!” Well, little did you know that for every tween who goes to bed hoping that Justin will be her ‘first’ the moment she turns 16, there’s also a grown-ass woman going to bed hoping she magically wakes up next to Justin Bieber. Now, her man that actually sleeps next to her in real life? He HATES Justin Bieber for that. You really think dudes like that wanna see Justin sitting very cozy in the white Lamborghini with Sean Kingston making fake phone calls in the passenger seat?? Then there are the thousands of disgruntled, aspiring rappers who wrote their best struggle raps ever to the “Otis” beat, and not a single one of the 17 people who downloaded their freestyle really cared. They hate Bieber because of this.
There’s a lot of ya’ll that were sick after seeing Justin slither his way onto the “All I Want For Christmas Is You” remix and do the cooking dance in a pair of crispy fresh Air Jordans. That made some people absolutely furious. No one was “hating” on YOU after you copped new rims for your Nissan Maxima. Justin Bieber has haters, you don’t.
4: Rachael Ray
Historians say that Rachael Ray slander became popular after she decided to shoot that controversial spread for FHM Magazine back in 2009. I say it’s deeper than that.
Truth is, she cooks, looks, and might be able to dance better than 95% of the women on all of my social networks combined. If you happened to miss the cut of that elite 5%, would you be bitter too? While millions of women were vacuuming pine needles off of the carpet, Rachael was getting paid to show America how to turn old Christmas Trees into drink coasters. Let that marinate for a second. You may be mad because you didn’t like her on Food Network and then she swagged on you and got her own show on daytime television. Well, at the end of the day not me nor she cares. Rachael, denounce the haters, I beg you! Let them know they can’t stop your wave! Take it to the next level, girl. Don’t let them stop you from agreeing to that Playboy sprea…nevermind, I’ll just leave it at that. No one was “hating” on you when you twitpic’d a picture of that glorified TV dinner you made for your boyfriend. Rachael Ray has haters, you don’t.
3: DJ Pauly D
Yo, um…quick survey real quick: silent show of hands for all of those who actually MADE money and didn’t spend money to go out and get drunken and belligerent this past weekend? Oh? Ok, just checking.
He is on a reality show about people you already hate and he spends more on hair product than you can budget for your groceries. If you have student loans to pay, there’s no way you don’t hate Pauly D for his success. And now, he can make your favorite bar charge a $10 cover for you to come in and listen to him fill your earlobes with struggle-mixes. Are you mad yet? Take a look at all his jewelry. Oh, I know you’re mad.
Rumor is that DJ Pauly D might sign a record deal with G-Unit. I can’t imagine how some folks will react. Paul DelVecchio has wayyyyy more haters than you bro.
2: President Barack Obama
Fact: there are already haters reading this that are defensive because while they hate the man with every ounce of energy in their body, they hate being labeled at haters because they believe it discredits their legitimate political beliefs. My response is…
Yes, you are. You mad because you HATE pictures of him looking like he’s about to hand your Dad his briefcase to carry into a meeting for him. You don’t like his black Ray-Bans or black SUV. You actually bought yourself black Ray-Bans with your own money and they don’t look half as good and that probably has you extra pissed, doesn’t it homie. To be totally clear, you probably aren’t haters in the sense of Secret Service should keep an eye on you, but a part of you dies every time you see the man flourish.
Obama arguably has an entire party of people who have made an agenda out of stopping him from reaching those green pastures. I’d call those people Republicans, but you’d probably call me a hater, so I won’t. But whether right or wrong, it doesn’t change the fact that Obama had Jay-Z, Tom Hanks, and Chris Rock at his birthday party. If you invited Jay-Z to your birthday party, he probably wouldn’t come and I know you’re mad. No one was “hating” on you when you threw the hawtest birthday party at the bar that DJ Pauly D was coincidentally spinning at that night. Obama has haters, you do not.
1: Casey Anthony
Smh. You can’t even come back from your lunch break 10 minutes late without getting thoroughly questioned. Meanwhile, Casey Anthony is posing for pictures looking like Kreayshawn with one less child alive.
Did she really walk away from that case? How could the jury possibly find her not guilty when you insisted that she was guilty at least 3 times on Facebook AND Twitter?! Don’t they know how many episodes of Law & Order you’ve seen?? Why didn’t they just LISTEN to you?
Well at the end of the day the people in charge of upholding justice came to a decision, whether it was the one you and Ice-T would’ve come up with or not. The only difference between you and
Kreayshawn Casey Anthony is, while neither of you are murderers, no one actually wants to you kill you. The minute she found out she was gonna walk, she prolly texted Obama to see if she could borrow some of the secret service, since you know, he was only #2 on the list. You and I both know no one hates you, but we both also know that Casey Anthony has more haters than either of us could handle. Now let’s just try to be a bit more realistic with our status updates.
Drake (he could’ve easily made top 5 though)