yuppievil deeds

There is a wide consensus that one of the founding fathers of yuppiedom is Patrick Bateman from American Psycho. The jury is still out on whether he was inspired by the psychotic Americaness of our…other, founding fathers, but we’re sure if there was a mount Yupmore, somewhere in the fanicial district most likely, his face would be right smack in the middle.  Flanked by Charlie Sheen in Wall Street and David Schwimmer of course.

Perhaps though, Patrick Bateman is more like the Christopher Columbus of yuppiedom. You know, discovered something pretty relevant but you can’t really get behind him because he shamelessly killed and maimed a bunch of innocent folk. A bit awkward. This is not to say that we have nothing in common with ole’ Patrick; we just generally don’t want to axe-whack people who haven’t done anything wrong.

Well, maybe axe-whacking wasn’t the right word (we live in the CONCRETE jungle, axes are hard to come across anyway), but there are certainly moments that bring out the yuppievil in all of us. Many of you are probably scoffing at that last statement, subtly peeking up to see if your golden halo is still there. Allow us to provide some examples of some of these transgressions that could prove to be life threatening in the presence of the wrong yuppie.

1. Causing congestion during public transit . First things first. There are two acceptable speeds of locomotion when participating in public commuting. There’s quick and then there’s quicker. Whether you’re trying to beat the morning rush at Dunkin Donuts to get that large iced coffee, early bird style or trying to make it to the bar because a stack of paperwork hit your desk at 4:30, throwing off your Happy Hour ETA, the tone is urgent. This is no secret. In fact, this is common knowledge. Then why, we ask, do people insist on causing bottlenecks in the subway during rush hour? Maybe it’s because they are looking to get Batemanned, that’s why. Picture this: you’re at that dreaded, high anxiety train switch and you’re rushing to catch your connection. You hear the arrival of your train announced and you’re booking it to get down the stairs to the other platform, but the person in front of you is oh-so-conveniently reading a book as they lollygag their way down the steps. And there’s no passing lane. Would a swift kick in the in their back be that bad? So it’s a few flights of stairs, big whoop. It’s survival of the FITTEST, and last time we checked, you can’t get fit tip-toeing down steps. They won’t be missed.
2. Planning your entire life’s finances at the ATM . The character who does this when there is a line of 5 people behind them is the same person who probably plays Russian Roulette online for shits and giggles. Except this is real life, where yuppies may Bateman you and theres no “play again?” button. Instead of simply withdrawing the desired amount of cash at the ATM, they check balances on every account they have, make transfers, pay credit card bills and then go back and check their balances again. What is most ironic though, is that they are usually holding an iPhone in their free hand, indicating that aside from withdrawing cash, they could be doing all of this on an app of some sort. This sort of inflammatory behavior is especially dangerous when it occurs at the ATM INSIDE the local branch, where they could have just as easily have a human being do all of this for them. However, it is also somewhat safer for them, because there are way too many cameras within the bank that would catch you as you strangled them with their own white Apple headphones. Don’t forget your receipt now.
3. Touching and smelling everything in the produce section at the grocery store. This isn’t as applicable to all yuppies, as we are aware that many of you only shop at the Farmer’s Market with other well-mannered yuppies or pick up a box of crap once a week via your co-op membership, but use your imagination for a moment. You’re in the produce section, about to pick out some delicious fruits and vegetables when you realize you can’t even get close to the bin you want because someone is in the way. And if you could, you’re suddenly grossed out by what’s in it. Why, you ask? Because the person who was just there touched every single flipping thing in the bin. And not only that, they insisted they smell each one, putting it close to their face where it could be contaminated with anything from boogers…to more boogers. And then 99% of the time, they don’t even buy anything in that bin, leaving you with nothing but booger fruit. Now friends, what is an acceptable punishment for such a vicious transgression – that is to say – what would Bateman do? He’d stuff them in the lobster tank in the fish section, that’s what he’d do. So go start clipping those rubber bands that keep those claws closed. Don’t be shy now. The scissors are in aisle 7.

So, we know that there are other actions we’ve missed that clearly warrant people getting Batemanned. We need you to share them below in the comment section. Perhaps if we can get enough folks to read this, lives will be saved. The rest is up to you folks. Safe travels.

-MillsyF