Like many little boys growing up in the Nickelodeon era, I lived an often frustrated childhood. It was a golden age of family television, and I say that with as little bias as I can muster. Shows were funnier, plots more engaging and characters more dynamic. The internet had not yet permeated our lives the way it does today, and so your relationship with shows only took place when they came on, unless you taped them with your VCR. When you wanted to talk to someone about the show, you had to wait until school or hope they were home so you could call them. Oh how times suck have changed.
For me, an unforgettable aspect of that great era were the many female stars I so confidently believed I was destined to marry someday. Of course I went through phases, going from sitcom star to…co-star, but throughout each episode, despite the drama they endured, I stuck with them, hoping they would somehow acknowledge my loyalty in the credits, or something. After a while I began to understand that theirs was a life of glitz and glam and that I had little chance of holding hands with any of them unless I stepped my game up. That is when I first laid eyes on the yuppie prize. My theory was that by the time I made enough money to be on their radar, they would probably be halfway washed up and I could convince them to give up what little was left careers to save themselves the embarrassment, and we’d live happily ever after. While we haven’t tested it, we figured why not share some of the prospects with our loyal readers. So without further adieu, tyd.com presents the Top 5 eligible bachelorettes from the 90′s childhood television (disclaimer: cheesy, lewd jokes to follow).
5. DJ Tanner – Full House’s oldest sister Donna Jo shows up at a solid 5th place. I don’t know if it was the frizzy hair and chubby cheeks, but something about DJ Tanner sparked a coming of age. Maybe it was the age difference (I’ve always been a sucker for older women) but my infatuation with DJ made me give up Lunchables and eat sandwiches, because that’s what teenagers ate. Her occasional rebellious attitude towards the now bad guy, Danny Tanner, was very neatly counterbalanced by her responsibility over the other Tanner girls. Maybe the type of woman to take care of a Millsy? We don’t know. Plus, that dude Steve she dated was a tool. She might have been on Full House, but I’m sure there were plenty of fellas ready to (insert card game here) ::cue laughter::. The verdict at the end of the day: not enough data about her relationship history for me to pursue at the ripe age of 10. Plus her best friend’s feet smelled like a bag of ass. Next.
4. Ashley Banks - Daughter of a wealthy judge in Bel-Air with a smoke show of an older sister (albeit dumber than piece of plywood), a funny cousin from Philly, and a brother that I kinda dress like now? Shoot, I almost just convinced myself me and Ash were still meant to be today. Either way, she always had it going on, and boy did I want to be her Fresh Prince ::cue laughter::. Every few episodes or so she would get a chance to sing, which would always be the deal sealer. And check out the straw hat in that pic?? I defy any 80′s baby to say that any girl who could pull one of those off wasn’t golden. However, I was never able to come up with a plan of attack for Ashley. Unlike Hillary, who miraculously had a new man every week, the Banks clan kept Ashley relatively shielded. Even from the safety of my own living room, Uncle Phil still intimidated the shit out of me. Wish I hadn’t given up on this one, especially seeing what she looks like now. You win some, you lose some.
3. Topanga Lawrence – Gentleman, welcome to the big league. At number three we have a woman way ahead of her time. Boy Meets World was an appropriate title, as Topanga was more woman than most pee-wee Yups could candle. Not only did she hit puberty way before any of the other girls did in your class, but she was a vegetarian! A VEGETARIAN!! For you numbskulls that don’t know what that means, she was your dream girl before you even knew what that meant. She was the girl who made you want to fight your older brother because you knew he could scoop her up if he so pleased. She is the girl who turned down Yale to go to college with you. She cared about the environment before it was cool to be green. I mean, let be honest, she is the original yuptivist hottie. I think the reason she doesn’t hit higher on the list is because I wouldn’t have known what to do with her had I landed my Teen Nick deal at 13 years of age and had a shot. Still, number three is nothing to frown about. Cheers to you, Topanga.
2. Lisa Turtle – Now I know this might upset a lot of readers, especially the chumps who put Kelly Kapowski on a stripper pole pedestal, but let’s be real. First and foremost, Kelly was somewhat of a floozy (and I reserve that term for only the most promiscuous of child stars). She went back and forth between Zack and Slater like a game of damn hopscotch. Now, any true middle school playa knew that Lisa was the untapped treasure of that group. Making her way to number two, Lisa Turtle was fashion forward, from a wealthy family, and with no real compromising relationships with other people from Bayside (except for that one time she kissed Zack…don’t think I forgot about that). Besides her clearly yuppified eye for fashion, her ruthless sass towards Screetch’s tactless advances were even more of an adolescent turn on. Lisa had it going on, and who wouldn’t want to marry into a wealthy family? Not that I probably wouldn’t have had to blow my allowance on her mall trips anyway…hm. A hair’s length away from the top spot, I’m still 80% sure if Lark Voorhies popped out of nowhere, she could wind up being Mrs. Millsy if she wasn’t careful.
1. Winnie Cooper – AS IF YOU DIDN’T ALREADY KNOW?? Coming in at number 1 is Winnie Cooper: the alpha and the omega of childhood crushes. I almost needed psychotherapy from just watching her screw around with Kevin’s head. A divine balance of innocent affection (the glasses…unforgettable) with a dash of obnoxious indifference every now and then to keep you interested, Winnie is the epitome of the girl next door you are destined to marry. She had the put this look on her face that made any boy want to cross an ocean for her. I would’ve done a Tour de France on my BMX bike with her on the pegs had she asked me to. I had begun saving lunch money at the age of 11 for Winnie and I’s wedding, and the jar still exists. She is, ladies and gentleman, the real deal. She is the girl you know everything about, who cried on your shoulder when her brother died in ‘Nam, who you fought your best friend over, whose parents’ divorce you stood with her through. In case you were wondering where her Yup factor was at, she graduated High School and went off to study art history in Paris. In the finale of The Wonder Years, we find out her and Kevin never got married. Hope, my friends, still exists.